


see my friends and find no worth

by realbutnotsopure



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: No Raven King Spoilers, Other, basically adam being a little bit in love with all his friends, friendships!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-28 07:04:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7630069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realbutnotsopure/pseuds/realbutnotsopure
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam Parrish was a lot of things, but he wasn’t dumb.<br/>He knew that he was smart, clever, intelligent, and if he ever doubted that, he had several things which proved it. He had his finished papers with red A’s marked upon them, he had his acceptance letter from Aglionby and he had his friends, whose words and actions sometimes made it clear that he was the smartest one of the bunch. They agreed.</p><p>---</p><p>Adam loves his friends and they love him</p>
            </blockquote>





	see my friends and find no worth

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own the Raven cycle and I think we're all grateful for that  
> title from the script's song "hail, rain or sunshine"

**And you may see my friends and find no worth.**

**But no, I’ll never go and change them for the world.**

 

Adam Parrish was a lot of things, but he wasn’t dumb.

He knew that he was smart, clever, intelligent, and if he ever doubted that, he had several things which proved it. He had his finished papers with red A’s marked upon them, he had his acceptance letter from Aglionby and he had his friends, whose words and actions sometimes made it clear that he was the smartest one of the bunch. They agreed.

“The smart one of us” Gansey had said.

 “The smart-ass,” Ronan had corrected.

“I’d say the nerd, but I think it’s obvious that that is Gansey,” Blue had said and while Ronan had smirked and Gansey had spluttered, Adam had just sighed and thought about it. It wasn’t that the others were dumb, or unintelligent in any way, it was just that Adam was smarter. He was the one who figured it out and who came up with solutions for (most of) their problems. The things he didn’t already know, he figured out. _The Magician sees what is out there and finds connections._

So Adam knew that Gansey and Blue was a thing, he knew that they would wake Glendower soon, knew that more and more people were coming to Henrietta, knew that Ronan had been glancing more and more at Adam lately, knew that he had Latin homework and knew that he was completely and utterly exhausted. Adam was smart. It was one of his few, he thought, good qualities. His choice of friends, however, perhaps wasn’t the smartest choice he’d ever made.

 

**

 Not that Adam ever would admit it out loud, but he loved the Pig. Not because of its bumpy rides or ever screaming engine, no. He loved the Pig because it was part of Gansey and Gansey was one of the things Adam had no doubt he loved. To love someone, Adam had slowly learned, was to love all parts of them, even the bad. So Adam couldn’t pick and choose which parts of Gansey to love, so he loved them all, even the part which was an uncomfortable, loud and always-breaking-down car. 

Currently sitting in said car, Gansey was in a full rant about something not Glendower related for once: he was talking about his journeys in Europe. Which though, in a way, were Glendower related. He was gesturing wildly, barely keeping one hand on the steering wheel, and he was, in Ronan’s words, in full geek mode. Adam, who’d already heard the story, wasn’t really paying attention. He was exhausted and was content only listening tonight. Throwing a quick glance at Blue in the backseat, Adam could that see that she felt the same. Gansey didn’t seem to mind.

Adam couldn’t help but marvel at how content he felt. He was exhausted, but he didn’t mind sitting there, in the uncomfortable front seat of the Pig, with the sound of Gansey’s voice and Blue in the backseat. Adam glanced at Gansey. Gansey met his eyes and grinned, all teeth and excitement. Gansey’s eyes went from Adam’s to Blue’s in the rearview mirror, and then back on the road. “We have arrived. Jane, have a pleasant night.”

Blue scoffed and got out of the car. “Tomorrow after school?”

“Affirmative.”

Blue smiled at Adam and then at Gansey and then slammed the door, Ronan-style. 

Gansey kept his eyes on Blue as she trudged to her house but then he glanced at Adam and started the car again, his full attention on the road. Adam quietly sighed over his obvious and oblivious friend. They should probably talk about this. Since it seemed that neither Gansey nor Blue was going to confess their love anytime soon, perhaps Adam needed to nudge them. _Rather Gansey than Blue_ , he thought. With Blue it would probably lead to a fight and Blue was a bit scary when she was angry, and they were both currently working very hard on their friendship. Adam didn’t want to ruin it. Gansey was Adam’s best friend, he should be able to talk to his best friend. Adam took a breath and opened his mouth.

“About Blue...”  Adam started.

Gansey tensed. Not much but enough for Adam, who knew Gansey, to notice. Notice and understand. _Not yet._ So instead of calling him out, Adam said, “What was she wearing? What fabric was her dress made of?”

Gansey’s shoulders dropped as the tension left them and he let out a quiet breath. Adam noticed.

“I have no idea,” Gansey said. “Plastic? Hard plastic?”

“Cardboard?”

“Old newspapers?”

Adam smirked. They discussed the possibilities of Blue’s dress material for a while and Gansey was once again smiling and gesturing wildly. Seeing his best friend like this, Adam decided that he’d rather face Blue’s wrath if he confronted her, than to see Gansey insecure and scared. Between Blue and Gansey, Blue would probably handle this situation best, so Adam decided to wait.

 _You don’t have that much time,_ a voice in his head reminded him. _He doesn’t have that much time._

 _Shut up_ , Adam thought and focused instead on his marvelous best friend beside him. _He’s here now._

 ”Do you want to stay the night?” Gansey asked carefully, while they stopped at a red light. “At Monmouth?”

A beat passed. Gansey opened his mouth again but hesitated and closed it. He waited for Adam to answer. Adam hesitated too. He didn’t have work tonight, sure, but he had a shift tomorrow and he really needed sleep. He’d been looking forward to it. Staying at Monmouth wasn’t going to give him any sleep though. Adam opened his mouth.

”Ronan is there,” Gansey added quickly as if it mattered. (It did.) ”And maybe Noah, but you can’t know for sure these days.”

 Months ago, Adam would have said no. He needed sleep, and he had prioritised his work and his money over spending time with his friends. But looking at Gansey now, with the whispers of Gansey’s upcoming death on his mind, knowing that Ronan and maybe Noah was waiting upstairs, Adam smiled.

”Sure,” Adam answered and shrugged as if it didn’t mean a lot, for both of them. (It did.)

“But if Noah and Ronan steals my clothes and I have to go home in yours again, I’m never coming back.”

Gansey was still laughing when they arrived at Monmouth.

 

**

 

“Leave me alone.”

“ _Ronan_. I only want what’s best for you, okay?”

”Whatever, dad.” 

Adam sighed. There was no better way to start the day than to listen to Ronan’s and Gansey’s grumbling and scolding. Not to mention filling a Camaro with boxes and equipment that Adam wasn’t sure what it was used for. The sun was still rising. Maybe he could sneak out and go home and get some sleep. Or at least some quiet. He wasn’t sure that would be better though. Everything was either loud or dull these days.

“They want you here.”

 Adam jumped and then swore lightly. He should be used to Noah appearing now, but sudden noises always made Adam jump. Looking at Noah, Adam noticed the use of “they” instead of “we”. Noah seemed to realize the same thing for he added. “I’d want you here too.”

 “But..?” Adam pressed. Noah shook his head.

 “If,” he corrected.

 “You’d want me here if what?”

 It took Noah a long time to answer and Adam wondered if was because he didn’t have much energy or simply because Noah didn’t know the answer. Adam couldn’t quite figure Noah out. Gansey he knew, Blue he knew. Ronan he understood like his own mind, which was to say barely at all, but he was getting there. But Noah, with his not-quite-there presence and his eerie remarks, Adam wasn’t any closer to figuring him out than he’d been a year ago. If Blue was here she might have helped, being able to recharge Noah’s ghost battery or whatever it was that kept him present.

Noah sent him a look. Adam felt at once both amused and guilty. He smiled.

 “If I was here,” Noah finally answered, not making any sense. “But I’m usually not…” He trailed off and looked so sad that Adam put an arm around him. It was awkward, as Noah wasn’t quite solid, and Adam was very inexperienced with both touching and comforting people. Even less so with ghosts. But it was nice.

 “It’s okay if you want to leave,” Noah continued. Adam suspected they weren’t just talking about today. “But they want you to come back. I’d want you to come back too.”

 Adam understood now. Noah was fading so much now, he would soon be gone. When Adam finally left, Noah wouldn’t be here to come back to. The thought broke Adam’s heart a bit.

 “Will you come back?” Adam asked Noah and gently nudged him. “When you… Leave?”

It wasn’t quite the right word but Adam couldn’t and didn’t want to use another one. Noah didn’t reply. Instead, they both silently watched Gansey and Ronan, who seemed to be done with lasting stuff into the Pig, and were now simply talking. Suddenly Adam’s arm went through Noah.

“If you get your shot,” Noah whispered, fading. “Don’t throw it away.”

Adam wasn’t a hundred percent sure what Noah was referring to, but Adam nodded. As his brain rewrote the nature of Noah’s disappearance, Adam thought of how this might’ve been his last private conversation with Noah. It didn’t have to be. Noah would maybe come back later. He always tried to. Noah would keep coming back for as long as he was able to.

But things were ending. It would soon be over.

“Parrish,” Ronan’s voice interrupted his thoughts. He looked up. Both Ronan and Gansey were waiting for him.

“You okay?” Gansey asked.

“You look like shit,” Ronan added and barked a laugh. “Like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Adam smiled at the reprimanding “ _Ronan_ ” that followed and looked around for a last hint of Noah. He wasn’t there. Gansey and Ronan were waiting. Adam got up and joined them.

 

**

 

They are laying beside each other, listening to the rain and when Blue’s arm brushes Adam’s, it’s, for the first time in a long time, not awkward. There is music playing and Blue’s voice is quiet and soothing. Adam feels okay. The afternoon had turned into evening and Blue and Adam had spent all of it talking. They had talked about Gansey, about Ronan, about Noah and death, college, magic, the concept of true love and about them. It had been awkward at times and it had been tense and they’d both been a bit cautious and dramatic. But it had also been Blue laughing until she cried and Adam laughing until his sides hurt and Orla pounding on the door, begging them to shut up.

 It was them both being exhausted and giggling and comfortable beside each other. It was listening to the rain and speaking what was on their mind.

 “Is it bad that I want to leave?” Blue asked. Adam glanced at her. She continued, “I get why _you’d_ want to leave, but I… I have a big and loving family. A good life, you know.”

 Adam didn’t answer immediately so Blue let out a big breath. “Is it bad that I want to leave this?”

 Adam’s first instinct was to reassure no, it’s okay, not caring if it’s true or not. But Blue hated lies as much as Ronan did so Adam hesitated. He tried putting himself in Blue’s position but found that he barely could. He didn’t have a good life, or any loving family members who he loved back. Except he did.

 "I think it’s okay. It doesn’t have to be forever, you know.”

 Blue turned her head and looked at him. Adam tried to make his face look sincere because he was sincere. Blue didn’t look reassured. Adam added, “I want to leave too. But I’d come back to you. To you, to Gansey, to Ronan and Noah. It… _We_ don’t have to end.”

Except they would. Because in some way, soon, they would end. Whether it was Noah fading, Gansey dying, Ronan breaking, Adam running away or Blue, being left behind. They both knew it. Blue sighed, “Leaving and coming back…”

They were quiet for a while and listened to rain increase and drop in volume. It was peaceful and for a moment, Adam didn’t want to leave at all.

Blue asked, “Where do you see yourself when you’re 70?”

 Adam snorted at the change of subject. “Assuming I live that long.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Well, I don’t know, Blue. Bald and tired.”

“Like Ronan.”

Adam laughed. “Where do you see you?”

“Nevermind me, I want to talk about you and Ronan as old men.”

“Old men?” Adam mused and Blue’s phone rang. She looked at the screen.

“Speaking of which, Gansey’s calling.” Blue shot him a look, the question evident in her eyes, and Adam nodded. Blue answered, “Congress?”

Adam could hear the tired and affectionate “Jane” from the phone.

 “And Adam,” Blue said and put the phone on speaker.

 “And Adam?”

 "Hi,” Adam said, amused. 

“Oh. What’s… up?” Gansey’s voice was a mix of guilt and confusion. Adam snorted and Blue laughed out loud.

 “Well, not much, we’re just cuddling.” Blue grabbed Adam’s hand. He smiled back at her.

“That’s good,” Gansey replied with a question mark at the end of it. Blue squeezed Adam’s hand and sat up.

“Hold on a moment, Gansey.” She turned to Adam. “I’ll be right back, just have to deal with a insomniac boy.”

Adam smiled, “Take your time.”

He heard Gansey call goodbye to him before Blue put the phone to her ear and stepped out of the room. Adam sighed and Blue turned. Her eyebrows raised, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Adam nodded. “I’m good.”

 

**

 

Adam parked his shitbox beside Ronan’s BMW and took a ten second long nap in his seat before getting out and searching for Ronan. Adam found him sitting on a bench, two gelato cups on the table before him and a bored look on his face. He met Adam’s eyes when Adam sat down beside him. A bit too close. Ronan offered Adam one of the gelato cups, which Adam took carefully and took a small spoon of, savoring of the taste. A toddler screaming caught Adam’s attention and his eyes were drawn to a family sitting nearby. The said toddler was crying and making a fuss and their mother was patiently trying to calm them down. Adam glanced at Ronan who were also watching the toddler with a look of disdain on his face.

“Do you want any?” Adam asked. “Kids, I mean.”

Ronan snorted. “Shouldn’t you take me to dinner before we start discussing kids?”

Adam ignored the feeling in his stomach at the thought of having kids with Ronan. What a disaster. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t fucking know. You?” 

“No,” Adam said. “Taking care of you and your messes is enough thanks.”

 “Asshole.”

Adam smirked and for the first time in a while, he felt utterly comfortable, basking in the sun with Ronan at his side. He closed his eyes. Right now, if someone were to ask him how he were, he would be able to reply “good” and it wouldn’t be a lie. Ronan’s eyes were on him. Feeling brave, Adam opened his and met Ronan’s. For a moment, they just regarded each other and something shifted in the air. Whenever this happened, as it had more and more these days, both boys would eventually go tense and hesitant: both waiting for the other to do or say something. It would end either with Adam ending it: blinking and looking away, or Ronan breaking it: punching Adam’s arm and barking an insult. That usually led to a fight.

It was Adam’s turn this time. He should blink, break eye contact, look away. But Adam found himself tired, tired of waiting and tired of fighting, so he just smiled at Ronan and then went back to eating his Gelato. He saw in the corner of his eyes how Ronan’s blinked slowly. Ronan was confused. Adam felt a little better knowing that he was able to surprise Ronan Lynch.

 They finished their Gelato’s in silence and watched the family with the toddler pack up and leave. The thought of having kids with Ronan Lynch hit him again. Living at the Barns with Ronan, toddlers and small children running around screaming. Ronan swearing and Adam not having a single quiet second. Ronan tucking in their children and kissing them goodnight. Ronan kissing Adam goodnight. Adam felt butterflies in his stomach. He was in too deep. He laughed.

Ronan sent him a look. “The fuck Parrish?”

“Just thinking. You’d be an alright father.”

“Shut the fuck up.” 

“No, no, I can see it. Small Ronan’s running around, causing messes. All having Chainsaw as their godmother. You sending them to school in a magical carriage.”

“Stop-”

“You putting them to bed, reading stories. I could help with the te-”

“Why would you be with me?” Ronan interrupted. His eyes were narrowed.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Adam said and Ronan’s face changed. There was a tinge of vulnerability in it that Adam had never seen before. He realized that he now had the power to hurt Ronan. To end whatever this was between them. To give back for all the times Ronan, intentionally or not, had made Adam feel bad. He could dismiss this. Adam could ruin Ronan because Adam was also scared and overwhelmed by this. Adam could lie. But he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to. Suddenly it all became a bit clearer and Adam wondered if it was supposed to be this easy.

“Only if you want me there,” Adam added and watched Ronan carefully. He watched Ronan go through several emotions before landing on panic. He abruptly stood. For a second they just watched each other, Adam looking up and Ronan looking down. Ronan hesitated.

“Whatever. See you tomorrow,” Ronan fled.

Adam didn’t feel hurt though. Maybe neither of them was ready to face it, whatever it was, right now but soon. Sitting in the sun, not hurrying to get somewhere, Adam felt like he had all the time in the world. Watching Ronan get into his car, slam the door and drive away, Adam felt nothing but content. Soon.

  
_**_

**Author's Note:**

> Tfw u write "that that" sigh I love the English language
> 
> Hope you enjoyed<3


End file.
